Which doom is it? I'm so confused.

Warning: ROSAT might kill those of you who are still here after the rapture.
(image courtesy of NASA)

Doomsday predictions seem to be sprouting like mushrooms after a heavy rain lately. 

By Linda Felaco

First the faithful were supposed to all be raptured up to heaven on May 21—a date that on May 22 was hastily revised to October 21. Then there was that asteroid that was supposed to hit us in June. In September, NASA's UARS satellite, while not ending the world, was potentially going to give at least some unlucky inhabitants a very bad day—until it safely splashed into the Pacific. Then Comet Elenin was supposed to destroy Earth this past Sunday—until it disintegrated en route. No sooner was that catastrophe averted when we learned that the German ROSAT satellite is now headed our way. Sunday Sunday Sunday! Unless, of course, the rapture comes on Friday. In which case you're safe from ROSAT, unless, like me, you're not getting raptured. 

Seems like one way or the other, either god or the cosmos is out to get us. Makes you wonder why anyone's even bothering to run for president next year, seeing as how according to the Mayans it'll be the last year of Earth's existence and whoever wins will never even be sworn into office. 

No, I don't expect god to let me off the hook just cuz I'm down with leaving the prayer mural up at my high school. I'd have no respect for any god that'd be fobbed off that easily, frankly. To paraphrase my colleague John McIntyre on the latest rapture predictions: I will remain at my post. As a damned atheist, not to mention a hireling of the Mocking Eastern Liberal Media Establishment, there's not a snowflake's chance in Hades of my being enraptured. 

So have no fear, dear Progressive Charlestown readers: Those of you not participating in the rapture will still have at least one of your faithful editors to guide you through the Great Tribulation (I won't speak for the state of the souls of my compatriots). Assuming, that is, that one of the tribulations isn't lack of internet connection. If it is, I'm gonna be mighty pissed that I didn't get right with god while I still had a chance.

Then again, if the good folk of Charlestown turn out to be prime rapture material, I may be too busy looting to blog. Though our Town Council and Planning Commission don't even want poor people to live here, and there's that whole camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle thing. Crud. Guess us godless heathens will still have to vote 'em out of office next year. Unless the Mayans save us the trouble.

Though if god sides with Lisa DiBello and her televangelist brother, I'm guessing all three of us PC-ers are doomed. Or if god's a Buddhist. Then again, if god's a union man, we might be golden. Well, Will and Tom anyway, I've still got that pesky little issue of lack of belief. Though considering the state of my bank account and the camel through the eye of a needle, I might have an easier time getting raptured than the 1%. Hm. One way or the other, guess we'll find out on Friday. Stay tuned. 

Does anyone know if we'll still have to make our November 1 property tax payments if the rapture happens on schedule?
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UPDATE, Thursday, 10/20/11, 10:45 p.m.

ROSAT passed over Boston tonight at 16 degrees above SW horizon at 7:04 p.m. EDT. Reentry is now expected between Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon.

And of course no rapture would be complete without Blondie:

UPDATE, Saturday, 10/2211, 12:35 p.m. 

Latest ROSAT satellite reentry prediction from USSTRATCOM is between 3 p.m. today and 5 a.m. tomorrow morning Eastern U.S. time. Watch out for falling debris.