This morning, former Red Sox
Pitcher Curt Schilling blamed the State of Rhode Island Providence
What follows is an exercise in
satire….
The State of Rhode Island is pleased
to announce the creation of a new state-sponsored video game company,
“Thirsty-Ate Studios.”
“After years of complaining
about job creation and fiscal woes,” said Governor Lincoln Chafee, “we are
finally investing tax payer dollars in something valuable—pixels!”
The new Massive Multiplayer
Online game, which is based on the State’s trademarked “Little Rhody Corruption
System,” (patent pending) offers every Rhode Islander a chance to earn as good
a wage as a World of Warcraft gold farmer in China.
“Now, we can finally say that
we are educating our children for the jobs of the future,” said Education
Commissioner Deborah Gist. “Video game playing is profitable, and we’re going
to be rolling out a new curriculum in the fall teaching every student that
video game playing, like reading, is hard work. Of course there will be
rigorous testing conducted every three days just to make sure that our teachers
are doing their jobs.”
The Department of Education
will be purchasing thousands of used and obsolete video game consoles at full
price from the Extraordinary Rendition training division of Halliburton, a
security company owned by former Vice President Dick Cheney.
According to former EDC
director Keith Stokes, the new official state video game will be named, “No
Reckoning—Escape from Responsibility.”
“Each player will become an
elected official, whose goal will be to collect special interest funding and
distribute perks, no-show jobs, and state contracts,” Stokes said. “Bonus
points can be earned by making random speeches in ‘obfuscation’ mode and by
kissing babies.”
The game will include the
following stand-alone App modules:
·
Legislative Blockus:
Senators and representatives vie to stall important bills from coming to the
floor, and then force them through a vote at the last moment with as many
hidden clauses as possible.
·
The Ferdinand St. Germain
Running of the Pork: Intrepid politicians chase lobbyists in
the shape of greased pigs through State House halls in search of a payoff.
·
The Ed DiPrete Dumpster Diving:
where contestants search through trash bins for bags of cash.
·
The Vincent “Buddy” Cianci
Pentathalon: including a burning log roll, marinara cook-off,
creepy crony collection contest, RICO smackdown, and finally a free-for-all
radio talk show comedy slam.
·
The David Cicilline Pass the
Buck: A digital version of hot political potato. Whoever is the
mayor when the timer goes off loses all credibility points.
·
The Joe Mollicone Bank Run:
Get all your money out of the country before the credit unions collapse.
·
The Joseph Paolino Real Estate
Swap: Like Monopoly. Collect as much property as you can in
downtown. Keep it unoccupied so that the property taxes stay low. Wait until
the government knocks down the highway to make it “prime waterfront” then
collect your payoff.
·
The Donald Carcieri Ostrich
Hide and Seek: You play a large preening flightless bird.
Sqwaack loudly and give away millions of taxpayer dollars while complaining
that poor people aren’t doing their fair share. Then bury your head in the sand
and don’t say a peep. Maybe no one will notice.
While many of these modules are
still in development, one current favorite is the Department of Motor Vehicle
Paperwork Maze. Find your way to the only open office, get in line to get a
number, and then see how many bureaucrats it takes before you are allowed to
leave. There is no time limit.
“I’m really keen on that
one,” said Governor Chafee. “Of course I usually ride my horse or get a lift in
my chauffeured limo, but if I ever went to a bar and they asked me for my
driver’s license, it would be a bit embarrassing to say that I never got one.”
In related news, former Red
Sox Pitcher Curt Schilling has hit number one with his new bestseller, “How to
Win the World Series, Bilk the Government for Millions, and Lose 33 pounds in
45 days.”
Mark
Binder is an author and professional liar. He ran for Congress in
2004. He is also Editor in Chief at Light Publications, a fiercely independent
publishing house specializing in fiction and adventurous political thought. His latest novella,
“The Buddha Who Wore Keds” is available for Kindle at amzn.to/buddha_kindle