Dear
Danny,
Santa
here!
I’ve
heard you’re really looking forward to Christmas this year.
Yes, I know you
were a bit upset to lose your Town Council Vice-President’s seat to someone who
doesn’t have even one official Presidential Cabinet-level commendation. That’s perfectly
understandable.
But
you shouldn’t dwell on the fact that you were upstaged by a woman. Didn’t you
learn anything watching Clinton, Bush, and Barack take it on the chin from the
ladies?? Suck it up, Bro.
Now,
onto your Xmas List. I know you’re hoping that asking for only a few gifts will
increase the likelihood of getting them. Well, hope isn’t on the way...
First
off, no new hatchet. If I’d known how you were going to use it last year, I would’ve never given you one in
the first place. Grow up. Just because the guy beat you out for the town
administrator job is no reason to be so vindictive. “Burying the hatchet”
doesn’t mean embedding it in someone’s back. Besides, with the size of your
federal pension, why would you need a six-figure, taxpayer-subsidized municipal
job anyhow? Geez!
Secondly,
even though the USPS is dramatically downsizing and there is indeed a surplus
of cute little mail trucks and snappy postal uniforms, no, you cannot have
either of these items. Only real postal workers are entitled to use them. By
the way, only real postal workers can stuff political handbills in mailboxes. Listen
closely: Cliff Clavin is NOT a real mailman. Besides, you remind me more of
Norm. Don’t ask.
Thirdly,
I am unable to locate a kayak that can be retrofitted with a fryolator. I
understand you intend to donate the used cooking oil to the Westerly High
School Biofuels Project, but if you think that act of kindness will move you up
the substitute teacher priority call list, I’m afraid you’re going to be doubly
disappointed. No fries for you!
I’m
afraid I haven’t been too encouraging today, Danny. But there’s still time to
resubmit an amended gift list for 2012. Use Form 36DD, Federal Retiree
Supplemental Cash Grabs, by 2300 Hours, 24 December 2012, EST. You’re familiar
with the DoD website. Air Force, right? Supply Corps?
If
I might make a suggestion, I’ve got a silo full of reindeer droppings out back.
If you’re into organic gardening, and you darn well better be, ask me for some
magic bean kits and just maybe you can become that giant of a man the
townspeople have been hearing about for the past two years.
Grow
green, D-man! Beyond the pension, I mean.
Cheers,
Santa
