A river runs through it…

Old Farts Sniff Out Illwindapalooza 

By Charles Townsend, TMZ Special Assignment Correspondent

It’s been awhile since I was embedded with the Illwind Coalition Forces as they waged a losing battle in the NIMBY-hostile courtrooms of Washington County, Rhode Island.

Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a boatload of retired career bureaucrats to redirect deep rivers of taxpayer cash to steer their sinking ship away from the treacherous cliffs of Accountability Bluff to the quasi-religious tranquility of Areglado Sound.

So Embedded Redux it was for this reporter as I bought my way into the pseudo-upscale October 19 Saturday Night Members-Only Gala, dubbed “Illwindapalooza” by Charlietown’s own lovable podium-mounting baritone, Slithery Dan Slattery.

Turnout for the event was pegged at a staggering 17,000 revelers. It is estimated that 16,980 of the party-hardy hailed from the tri-state area of Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey. The remainder of the guest list (referred to as “leftovers” by out-of-state spokesperson/rapper Stale Hairy Fresh) was composed of pseudo-native residents living in the Partridge Run-Woodcock Trail-East Quail Triangle.

Planning Commission member and quasi-professional ornithologist Peter Herstein recorded sightings of  8,748 grayling waddler hens, 8,250 pasty vanilla drakes, and a pair of pterodactyls of undetermined gender. (Herstein admitted later that the “pterodactyls” were actually his own shoes he saw when he looked through the wrong end of his binoculars.)

Chief Illwind Coalition fundraiser Joseph Quadrato described the turnout as “very manageable, just what you would expect for an event that is so important to preserve the rich social and environmental values of Charlestown that we all moved here for a few years ago.”

Quadrato noted that, unlike the Seafood Festival, parking was never a problem because the overwhelming majority of invitees were from out of state and were flown in via private Learjet to Westerly Airport, then shuttled via RockStar Limo Service to the Partridge Run home of the Illwindapalooza hosts, Ron and Maureen Areglado.

Transportation expenses were fully covered by a $50,000 grant made possible by Abutters Anonymous, a 501(c)(3) charitable grifting foundation, not to be confused with a charitable gifting foundation bearing an identical alphanumeric designation. 

Illwind Coalition Public Relations Directors Michael and Donna Chambers were unable to attend. According to Mike’s email, Boston Red Sox General Manager Ben Cherington asked him to serve as the team’s third base coach for the remainder of Major League Baseball’s playoffs.

To induce Chambers to accept the coaching assignment, Red Sox owner John Henry appointed Donna Chambers as Official Red Sox Greeter for all fans entering Fenway Park from the Lansdowne Street entrance. Donna will also be “on call” in case the regular PA system is disabled by an unforeseen power outage.

A good time was had by all invitees, while everyone else in town was, well, just simply had.

Embedded with the Illwind Coalition, and until next time, I am Charles Townsend - and you’re not.

Good-bye and good luck.

Collage art by Lin Collette. See more of her work here.