Santa's note to Councilor Dan Slattery

Dear Danny,

Santa here!

I’ve heard you’re really looking forward to Christmas this year. Yes, I know you were a bit upset to lose your Town Council Vice-President’s seat to someone who doesn’t have even one official Presidential Cabinet-level commendation. That’s perfectly understandable.

But you shouldn’t dwell on the fact that you were upstaged by a woman. Didn’t you learn anything watching Clinton, Bush, and Barack take it on the chin from the ladies?? Suck it up, Bro.

Now, onto your Xmas List. I know you’re hoping that asking for only a few gifts will increase the likelihood of getting them. Well, hope isn’t on the way...

First off, no new hatchet. If I’d known how you were going to use it last year, I would’ve never given you one in the first place. Grow up. Just because the guy beat you out for the town administrator job is no reason to be so vindictive.

“Burying the hatchet” doesn’t mean embedding it in someone’s back. Besides, with the size of your federal pension, why would you need a six-figure, taxpayer-subsidized municipal job anyhow? Geez!

Secondly, even though the USPS is dramatically downsizing and there is indeed a surplus of cute little mail trucks and snappy postal uniforms, no, you cannot have either of these items.

Only real postal workers are entitled to use them. By the way, only real postal workers can stuff political handbills in mailboxes. Listen closely: Cliff Clavin is NOT a real mailman. Besides, you remind me more of Norm. Don’t ask.

Thirdly, I am unable to locate a kayak that can be retrofitted with a fryolator. I understand you intend to donate the used cooking oil to the Chariho High School Biofuels Project, but if you think that act of kindness will move you up the substitute teacher priority call list, I’m afraid you’re going to be doubly disappointed. No fries for you!

I’m afraid I haven’t been too encouraging today, Danny. But there’s still time to resubmit an amended gift list for 2013. Use Form 36DD, Federal Retiree Supplemental Cash Grabs, by 2300 Hours, 24 December 2013, EST. You’re familiar with the DoD website. Air Force, right? Supply Corps?

If I might make a suggestion, I’ve got a silo full of reindeer droppings out back. If you’re into organic gardening, and you darn well better be, ask me for some magic bean kits and just maybe you can become that giant of a man the townspeople have been hearing about for the past two years.

Grow green, D-man! Beyond the pension, I mean.

Cheers,

Santa