A triumph of science over nature is delivering battle-ready
slices.
From the Gatling gun
to the nuclear bomb, from hot air balloons to drones, the military has enlisted
scientists to develop ever-more effective war technologies.
Now comes a
long-sought scientific breakthrough that the military brass consider the
ultimate advantage for battlefield effectiveness: ready-to-eat pizza.
With the
spare-no-expense determination usually associated with something like the
Manhattan Project, teams of the best scientific minds at the U.S. Army Natick
Soldier Research, Development, and Engineering Center have focused intently on
this pizza project. It seems that the combat troops have been asking, even
begging, that the individual field rations they get — called Meals Ready to Eat
(MREs) — include pizza.
Problem is that the
sauce, cheese, and toppings of pizza contain moisture that turns the dough
soggy. That lets bacteria grow, spoil the pie, and poison the eaters. Food
engineers figured out a way to stop the moisture from reaching the dough.
But that was not the
end of it. The Army was gunning for the holy grail of MREs: a prepackaged pizza
that could be stored in 80-degree heat without refrigeration for three years…
and still be “fresh.”
At last, the
scientists have announced a breakthrough. By adding acid to the ingredients and
iron filings to the packaging, science has triumphed over nature by delivering
a pizza that’s literally for the ages.
Perhaps you’re
wondering about taste? Well, picky-picky. After three years, the crust isn’t
exactly crisp, and the things aren’t served hot, so these are hardly the pies
of Mario Batali.
And Mario doesn’t do
battlefield deliveries. But wait — maybe that would be a good use of drones.
Quick! Can someone please call Amazon?
OtherWords columnist Jim Hightower is
a radio commentator, writer, and public speaker. He’s also editor of the
populist newsletter, The Hightower
Lowdown. OtherWords.org