Things
I Pledge to Do for Mother Earth
Today
is the 45th Earth Day,
a worldwide event we celebrate every year to remind ourselves that we are,
though we don't have to be, the biggest parasites on the third rock from the
sun. To mark the occasion, this year I pledge to...- Change the channel any time one of those lying oil company commercials claiming environmental responsibility comes on. (Note to BP: you'd walk away from your obligations to clean up the Gulf in a heartbeat if you thought you could get away with it. Thank god the government still has its boot on your neck, you upper-class twits.)
- Rent a chopper and drop thousands of large plastic bins over the city to remind people that Portland recycles.
- Fart only on odd-numbered days. (This one'll be tough. I may need to attend support group meetings.)
- Vote for Democrats.
- Retrofit the car with hybrid technology so it only runs on gas when the team of kittens gets too tired to pull it.
- Use only the sun and a magnifying glass to light up my bong. Er…uh…"water pipe."
- Restrict my use of "fracking" to its handiness as an adjective paired with the word "idiots" to describe people who displease me.
- Contribute to healthy forests by teaching tea partiers that watering trees with the blood of tyrants actually kills them. Fracking idiots.
- Close down tar sands sites by making spooky noises so the owners think they're haunted and run away.
- Dispose of my spent fuel rods properly instead of selling them as glowsticks at raves.