Daylight Savings Time comes to an end on Sunday, just in the nick of time for Republican candidates. With the primaries inching closer every day, they need all the time they can get to prepare for the next round of mud-slinging, poor-hating, minority-bashing, hate-fests that are just around the corner.
An
extra hour on Sunday isn’t something that the Republicans can afford to waste,
so in the interest of comradery here are some suggestions on how they can spend
that time wisely:
10.) Make a list of who is still running. It has to get confusing to keep looking around and seeing people polling lower than “margin of error” still standing there at debates. Use that hour to get to know your fellow lunatics.
9.) Work
on your concession speech. Chances are
you’re going to need it. If you do happen to win the GOP nomination you can
save it for the general election.
8.)
Start whining about why the next debate will be unfair. The slug-fests that have occurred so far definitely
have nothing to do with the fact that there’s ten of you on stage and that all
you can do is insult each other. It’s time to let these moderators know that
you want more than 7 minutes each in the 2-hour format you demanded.
7.)
Study some math and adjust your campaign accordingly. Specifically where number eight is concerned, but
while you’re at it, see if you can get zero to equal less than zero. or more
than zero. Apply the answer to your chances of being President.
6.) Find
a way to tie Benghazi to Planned Parenthood. What if…the terrorists were upset over the Planned
Parenthood videos? No, you can’t change history but if you say “Benghazi” and
“Planned Parenthood” enough times in the same sentence, the morons who vote
Republican will make their own connections. They’re like those mice who always
find the cheese no matter where you put them in the maze.
5.)
Think of something scary. Americans are
wising up to the whole “I’ll keep you safe from terrorism” trick Republicans
like to use, especially since the last guy’s idea of “keeping us safe” was
going to war with a country that had nothing to do with terrorism. Without
fear, conservatives won’t vote for you. There has to be an ebola out there, use
the hour and find it.
4.)
Learn what “socialism” is. The Nazis are a
bad example. The Soviet Union is the WORST example. Mostly because even though
Jeb Bush seems to disagree, it doesn’t exist. Just because you have decided to
pander to idiots who can’t read doesn’t mean you won’t need the votes of educated
people eventually.
3.)
Revise your tax plan. Not a single
viable plan has been introduced by a Republican candidate. Every last one has
unanswered questions, massive deficit issues and a lean towards further wealth
inequality. Nobody wants to hear you explain — again — why giving money to rich
people will help create jobs and stimulate the economy. You’re lying. Cut it
out.
2.) Take
a nap. Chances are the
hour isn’t going to help you, because your campaign is a joke. Your chances of
being President are about the same as your chances of becoming a decent human
being who cares about anything other than cold, hard cash.
1.) Make
the call and drop out. You’re
embarrassing yourself. Your party looks foolish. To have so many candidates
that your debates need an undercard is not only ridiculous, it’s a travesty to
people whose job it is to watch this crap and find something interesting to
write about. Do it. America needs you to.
It’s
amazing the kind of things that could be accomplished in just one hour.
Author: Charles TopherCharles is a lifetime lefty liberal from Lowell
who has managed to migrate (legally) to the backwoods of Maine. He writes from
a 1 acre progressive bubble where Nobama stickers on pickemup truck bumpers are
common.